Gamer's Guide to Pretty Much Everything (episode)/Transcript

	Episode opens up on an audience, a caption displays saying "WORLD GAMING CHAMPIONSHIP", Stampy Cat is heard over the speakers.
Stampy Cat	Stampy Cat here, along with twenty-thousand screaming fans, watching a battle for the ages! These modern-day gladiators are the picture of perfection and power!
	Camera shifts over to two guys playing a video game, then shifts to three other guys playing the video game, one of them being Conor.
Conor	Pit crew!
	Conor's pit crew comes over and sprays him.
Stampy Cat	Oh, it's starting to get exciting now!
	One of the players fall flat on their face.
Stampy Cat	And "NeverGoesDown" goes down! Fifteen-year old gaming prodigy "KidFury" has taken the lead!
	Crowd cheers.
Stampy Cat	I don't believe it! Conor's going rapid fire! Is he a man or a machine? Because the human thumb shouldn't be able to...
	Conor's thumb twists out of shape. Conor lifts his thumb.
Conor	(Creeped out) Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa! (Gasps) This can't be good!
	Conor moves down to a lower rank. He moves his thumb into the right shape.
	Cut to KidFury's channel. We see a video titled "I Didn't Need A Break," with the description of "I seriously didn't know a thumb could do that. I'm off the tour... For now."
Conor	(On video.) So, gamers, that was me. Seconds away from sweet, sweet victory. Instead, I got the worst case of "gamer's thumb" in tournament history, and all of my former sponsors are taking back all my best swag.
	A guy in the background takes away his monitor.
Conor	Aww, come on, man! You can't take away my third monitor! What, do you expect me to game on two like some sort of caveman?! (Scoffs) When I was on the tour, I didn't have to go to school. I had private tutors who did all the work for me.
	Cut to flashback.
Conor	A-minus? We can do better, Harold.
	Flashback ends.
Conor	And now, my mom's making me go to an actual school for the first time while I heal up. But don't you worry. I'm gonna figure out a way to get back on the tour. And nothing is getting in my way. Especially, something as unimportant to my future as school!
	Cut to school.
Conor	KidFury has arrived! (Gets knocked over) Ohh!
	Text shows up on the screen saying: "Achievement Unlocked: KNOCKOUT!"
	Opening theme plays.
	After opening theme, the next scene takes place in the school. Cameron opens a locker.
Franklin	Hello!
Conor	(freaked out) AWH!
	Franklin walks out of the locker.
Conor	Uh-huh. Who are you?
Franklin	Franklin Delgado. But you can call me by my gamertag: Franklin - underscore - Delgado. I'm your number one fan. I know everything about you. For example, (Shows apple core) judging by this apple core I found in your trash, you have a slight underbite. (Touches apple core) I sleep with this.
Conor	Uh-huh. I'm guessing you don't have a lot of friends, do ya?
Franklin	Nope. I've been saving myself for you.
	Conor lip-syncs the word "wow".
Franklin	I'm an e-jock too. Right now, I'm crushing a little game called, "Balloon Animal Picnic". But, this first level is imposs-- (Conor beats the level for him.)
	Ring plays.
Franklin	Gasp! I'm never washing this phone again!
Conor	So, listen, Franklin. I have a plan to get back on the pro tour, but I'm gonna need you to introduce me to the best gamers in school. You think you can help me out?
Franklin	I would eat a small cactus (Salutes) for you, sir.
Conor	Why would I ever need you to ea--?
Franklin	Move it, jerks! Pro gamer, and best friend comin' through!
Conor	Ha! What?
	Cut to Wendell and Ashley playing a video game.
Wendell	(speaking in baby talk) Oh, is wittle Ashley hiding behind a hay bale? Too bad. 'Cause I'm packin' a flamethrower!
	Explosion sound plays.
Wendell	Eat flame, sucka! Oh-oh. Wait. Where did you go?
	Ashley mashes a button very fast and beats Wendell.
Ashley	Oh-ho! I totally blasted your face off!
Wendell	Fine, if that's how you wanna play.
	Conor and Franklin are seen slowly walking up to Wendell and Ashley.
Wendell	Air raid, chumps! sNiTcHbLaStA, out!
Conor	Nice use of that cheat code.
Wendell	Cheat code? Cheat code? What do you know about cheat codes... noob?
Franklin	He was on the pro tour. You're in the presence... (Bends down and bows) of KidFury.
Ashley	Whoa. I'm impressed. I mean, I would be if I played "video games!"
Conor	You're...literally holding a controller right now.
Ashley	(Turns eyes to controller) Okay, fine, Mr. C.S.! I don't know why you're all up in my business! But, don't tell anyone I game. If the volleyball team finds out, they'll question my ability to focus, and... (Looks at fingernails) Why do I have fingernails?
Conor	Okay, look. There's something I need to talk to you two about. Franklin, book us a lunch for three at the classiest restaurant in town.
	Cut to a restaurant.
Conor	Billy the Squid's is the classiest restaurant in town?
Ashley	Sure is. (Picks up chip) Where else do you get a chip and chum bucket? (Eats chip)
Conor	(Groans) You know what chum is, right?
Ashley	(Muffled) Delicious!
Conor	All right, guys. Here's the deal. So, Prison Escape 6 streets tomorrow. If I beat it first, I'll have enough points to get back on the pro circuit. And, you'll get to be apart of something great.
Wendell	Pfft! You wanna see something great? Check this out. (Takes out gum) I've been chewing this piece of gum since fifth grade.
Conor	How do you brush your teeth?
Wendell	Why would I need to brush my teeth? I'm chewing gum-uh!
Conor	Now, if I'm gonna beat this game, I'm gonna need to use your nice, healthy thumbs.
Ashley	I'd give you my thumbs, but, how would people know if I really liked a movie? (Brings out hands)
Wendell	No, Ashley. He wants us to play the game for him. He's talking about cheating.
Conor	Okay, it's not cheating if we use my gamertag and I call the shots!
Wendell	I can't help you. I'll be busy posting my latest kick-butt Twine video around the Internet. Check this out. (Brings out phone)
	Wendell knocks out Conor in the video.
Wendell	(In video) Rekt! (a caption appears saying "REKT!" in red font)
Conor	I'll tell you what. (Gets out of seat) If you help me, I'll re-post your link to my two-million fans. Huh!
Wendell	(Gasps) Whoa! I just got two-thousand views, and... something called a "Like."
Conor	Okay! So, Wendell's in? (Walks over to Ashley) Ashley?
Ashley	You're blackmailing me, aren't you? You'll tell the team if I don't help you!
Conor	I'm not blackmailing you.
Ashley	You're goooood. (Pause) I'll do it! But, I don't know how you sleep at night.
Conor	Well, all right! The game drops at two tomorrow, so let's duck out of class early.
Wendell	Dude, no teacher's gonna let us out early to game! Especially Mr. Spanks. Ugh!
Conor	Look. I don't know this "Mr. Spanks," but I'm sure he won't be a problem.
	Cut to class. Mr. Spanks is holding a desk, but then drops it.
Mr. Spanks	And, that... is why I'm the toughest teacher in this lousy school. Spent two-and-a-half seasons playing pro football for the Saskatoon Muskrats. I was the punter.
Conor	Uh, the punter? I thought you said you were a real football player. (Laughs)
Mr. Spanks	Get up here, son.
	Conor walks up to Mr. Spanks.
Mr. Spanks	You don't think I'm tough? Kick me. Right between the uprights!
Conor	Wait. Seriously?!
Mr. Spanks	I said kick me!
Conor	Okay! (Kicks Mr. Spanks)
Mr. Spanks	Weak, son! Where's your follow-through?!
	Conor kicks Mr. Spanks again.
Mr. Spanks	It's good!
Conor	Okay, this guy might be a problem.
	Cut to the gaming room.
Conor	So, guys, this, is where the magic happens.
Franklin	Do you have any smelling salts?
Conor	Nnnnnnn...no, why?
	Franklin faints.
Ashley	(Gasps) The stealth drone from Phantom Ops Three! (Jumps over Franklin)
Wendell	Pfft! You think that's cool? I've got a twenty-gallon fish tank, and four! Angelfish.
Conor	Can your angelfish do this?
	Conor knocks down a trophy.
Wendell	Uhh...uhh...probably. They were pretty expensive fish.
Franklin	Ooh! What's this game? (Picks up label maker)
Conor	That's my mom's label maker.
Franklin	Well, label me impressed!
Conor	Okay, guys. Here's the plan. Since we know Mr. Spanks isn't gonna let us outta the class before the bell rings tomorrow, we have to change what time it rings. And I have a little machine that can help us do it.
Ashley	He's got a time machine!
Franklin	I wanna meet Benjamin Franklin!
Wendell	I wanna punch a dinosaur!
	Cut to school.
Conor	Ashley.... you're up.
Ashley	Um, Mr. Spanks?
	Mr. Spanks points a pencil at Ashley.
Ashley	Would our football team win more if you were our coach?
Conor	Coach?
Ashley	Coach!
Mr. Spanks	That has nothing to do with American history. But the answer is a resounding yes! See? Problem is, our team doesn't properly utilize (Flips board; Kicks) the punter! What a lot of people don't realize is, those who can't punt...
	Conor takes out a strange gadget.
Mr. Spanks	...become quarterbacks. See all these guys down here?
	A scene is shown of Conor trying to change the time the school bell rings. We see two cheerleaders giggling. Next shown is Conor grabbing the key from a school staff member named Keith. He reaches the school bell activator.
Mr. Spanks	So now, everyone's chanting for the team's best athlete. Punter! (Offscreen) Punter!
	Conor successfully puts the key inside the hole, and the school bell rings. An achievement called "Saved by the Bell!" appears on the screen.
Mr. Spanks	All right. We'll pick this up tomorrow.
Wendell	Yes!
	Wendell grabs Conor's device. The drone makes a couple of noises, letting Mr. Spanks know there's something fishy going on.
Mr. Spanks	Hold it! Somethin' ain't right here.
Franklin	(Whispering) He's gonna find the drone!
Conor	Relax! He's got nothing to tie it to us! Just stay calm, and we'll get outta here.
	Mr. Spanks walks into the classroom with the drone.
Mr. Spanks	Looks like someone... (Shuts the door with his foot) Used this drone to ring the bell early. (Points to Ashley) You. Ashley. With your question, you tryin' to distract me?
	Ashley nods.
Mr. Spanks	And gee, Wendell. (Grabs the device that was used to control the drone; Whispering:) What's this? You two techie video gamer types are behind this!
Ashley	No we're not! What's a video game?
Wendell	(Opens book) I like books.
Mr. Spanks	Not buyin' it. You two, are goin' straight to detention.
Franklin	(Whispering) Conor! Say something!
Conor	Okay, Mr. Spanks. (Gets out of seat) Here's the truth. (Turns around; Pointing to Ashley, Franklin, and Wendell) These gamers seem like pretty shady characters.
	Wendell and Ashley are shocked.
Conor	Frankly, I don't even want to be in the same room as them, so...
Mr. Spanks	Hold it! This thingy says, "Property of Conor AKA Kid 'Furry. Labeling by," oh! "Franklin Delgado!"
Franklin	You were bound to find out sooner or later. I've got a labeling problem.
Mr. Spanks	Looks like you've all got a one-way ticket to Detention Town! Woo-woo! Now, how do you shut this thing off?
Conor	Uh, I wouldn't do that.
Mr. Spanks	(Gets shot by the drone) DOH! (Gets knocked into the board, slowly falls down)
	Cut to detention.
Conor	Why are we putting "Proudly ORGANIC" stickers on these rotten walnuts?
Mr. Spanks	Because the latte sippers at the Farmer's Market will pay twice as much for them that way. (Makes wheezy chuckle) Keep crackin'!
Wendell	(To Conor:) This is all because of you! You totally threw us under the bus!
Conor	You were already under the bus. Why would I get under there with you? Hadn't the bus hurt enough people already?
Wendell	Whatever, dude! Thanks to you, we're stuck down here in this prison!
Conor	Wait a minute. You're right! This place is like a prison! And I've aced every version of Prison Escape there is.
Franklin	Even the one where you have to escape the women's prison. He made a bungee cord of lady bras. (Laughing:) Ha-ha-ha-ha!
Conor	If we bust outta here right now, we still might have enough time to beat the game!
Ashley	Oh, that'd be great. My sinuses are plugged solid with nut dust. (Releases a nut out of her nose)
	Franklin makes a disgusted choking noise.
Franklin	Ohh!
Wendell	(To Conor) And, why would I help (Points to Conor) you do anything?
Conor	Because, if we beat that game first, I'll get my pro card back, and you'll never have to see me at school again.
Wendell	I'm in.
Conor	Okay. We just gotta find a way outta here.
	The camera shifts to the door. Two captions are displayed on the screen, "High Security Deadbolt" and "Locked Handle". The camera then shifts to a window, with a caption saying "Bars Over Window". The caption then changes to "IMMOVABLE". The camera shifts to the ground, with a caption saying "Possible Escape Route" and another one saying "Press to open".
Conor	There! (Opens drainage pipe)
Franklin	Cool! You found a warp zone!
Conor	I...think it's just a drainage pipe, but, eh! Whatever jiggles your joystick.
Franklin	Warp zone!
	Cut to the other side of the drainage pipe.
Wendell	You're up, Conor! Let's go!
Conor	Whoa-oa-oa! (Just after sliding down the drainage pipe) Doopf! (Falls over, then gets back up)
Ashley	Fair warning, guys. This place looks ripe for sewer pigs.
Conor	Sewer pigs?
Ashley	You know! Kids get those little pet pigs, flush 'em down the toilet. They grow up, and, boom. You got sewer pigs.
Wendell	Ashley! That is so dumb!
Ashley	I'm telling you. They're nasty. Eat the pants right off of you.
	Scene cuts to another part of the sewer. Camera zooms out.
Conor	Game on.
	The scene changes to show the scene from Conor's point of view. There is a time limit of one minute and seventeen seconds. Conor uses rocks to jump across the lava. He finally gets across. He then has to make it past smoke and thunder, which he does flawlessly. Wendell runs ahead of him, only to find a sewer pig.
Wendell	(Runs away from the pig) NOOOOO! NOOOOOOOO!!
	The pig is then shown onscreen, it catches up to Wendell.
Wendell	AHHHHHHH! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
	Conor, Franklin, and Ashley catch up to Wendell. Wendell is shown with his pants gone.
Wendell	Sewer pigs are real! A-a-and he took my pants!
Ashley	Told ya!
Conor	No one's beat the game yet. We can still do this. We just gotta get through this door. (Tries to open the door, but to no avail) There's too much water pressure.
	Conor and Franklin try to open the door together. Conor gives up a few seconds later, while Franklin is still pulling on him.
Conor	Do you mind?
Ashley	Don't worry. My mom's a plumber, and she always says: "when in doubt, start turning valves."
Conor	No offense, but your mom sounds like a horrible plumber.
	Conor, Franklin, Wendell, and Ashley turn the valves.
	Cut to Mr. Spanks in the bathroom, who gets water from the toilet splashed at him. Mr. Spanks spits out some of the water.
Mr. Spanks	GAMERS!
	Cut to Conor, Franklin, Wendell, and Ashley.
Wendell	Well...I guess these things are duds.
Conor	(Pushes valve) Got it! (Opens door now that the water isn't in the sewers anymore) Come on!
	Cut to Conor's house.
Franklin	I ditched detention, and... (Walks downstairs) I loved it!
Conor	(In narration) It was a thing of beauty. Even though we had never played together before, it was like we were a well-oiled machine. Wendell was aggressive. Ashley was a surprisingly smart gamer. And, Franklin kept the snacks comin'. It was like we were a real team.
	Narration ends. Conor ends up at the top rank and wins.
Conor	YES!
Ashley	(Screams)
Conor	I did it! I did it!
Wendell	Wait. You...did it?
Conor	Well, yeah! And I get my pro card back, the cast comes off in a week, and I'm back on tour!
Ashley	Well, good for you. Looks like you don't need us anymore. (Drops controller) Come on.
Conor	Wait. Guys. Come on. You don't have to leave!
	Ashley and Wendell leave. Conor scoffs.
Franklin	(Salutes) It's been an honor serving you, sir. (Picks up a pencil) Do you mind if I take a little something to remember you by?
Conor	Sure.
	Franklin tries to move the table, but it doesn't work.
Franklin	Thanks. (Leaves)
	Cut to the Billy the Squid restaurant. Franklin eats a chip.
Ashley	Wow, Franklin. You must be really upset.
Franklin	What makes you say that?
Wendell	'Cause you're actually eating the chum.
	Conor walks into the restaurant.
Conor	Hey, guys.
Wendell	What are you doing here? Shouldn't you be on "tour"?
Conor	Yeah. Actually, right about now, I should be in my limo swimming laps. It's a really big limo. But, I decided I'd rather stick around, hang out with my new squad.
Franklin	New squad?
Conor	Oh. Did I forget to give you these? (Gives Franklin, Wendell, and Ashley their pro cards) There you go.
Franklin	Are these--?!
Conor	Your pro cards? Yep. See, it turns out, if you add up all of our gamer points, we have enough to qualify for the International Gaming League's team circuit. That is, if you guys will have me as your fourth.
Ashley	Does this mean we're going to Nationals?
Conor	No. It means we got the IGL newsletter, and (Shows key chain) these key chains!
Wendell	(Grabs key chain) I can work with that.
Franklin	Pro card? Newsletter?! Key chains?! Goin' down. (Faints)
Conor	You guys wanna hit the arcade?
Ashley	I'm in.
Wendell	Let's do it.
	Cut to Conor on a video called "How To Form Your Squad".
Conor	So, gamers. That's how you form a squad. Sure, it'll mean staying in school, and going to tournaments on the weekends. But, it's worth it. Because, now I have something I never had on the solo tour. (Moves the camera to reveal Franklin and Wendell fighting over who gets to sit in the chair)
Franklin	My turn in the chair!
Ashley	No, it's mine!
Wendell	I lick it, I own it! (Licks chair)
Conor	(Appears in front of the camera) These guys. (Moves camera) And, I don't know if it was because we got our tour cards, or that we got the principal to shut down Spanks's nut-cracking detention room.
	Cut to school. Conor is still narrating.
Conor	(Narration:) But, we all walked into school a little taller the next day.
	Music plays as Conor, Franklin, Wendell, and Ashley walk into school. The "School Heroes!" achievement appears onscreen. In front of the screen, it says "Do you want to continue?" A mouse pointer is seen clicking on "Yes."
	Cut to Conor, Franklin, and Ashley playing a video game.
Wendell	Come on. Hurry up! I want next!
Conor	In a minute! (Whispering) Keep your pants on.
Ashley	HAHAHA!
	Conor and Franklin do a handshake.
Wendell	Not...funny, dudes. I told you, that sewer pig caught me off guard. I see his curly tail again, I'm takin' that filthy hog down! Pork! (Kicks) Chop!
	Doorbell rings.
Wendell	Ah. Sweet. (Runs upstairs)
	Conor, Ashley, and Franklin continue playing their game. A pig oinks oinks upstairs.
Wendell	(From upstairs) AAAAAAAAAAAH! How did you find me here? NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! (The pig eats his pants. He walks downstairs; To Conor, Franklin, and Ashley) So, uh... my turn yet? (Sits down on the couch)
	(The episode ends as a portion from the theme song plays.)
Singer	♪ Gamer's Guide! ♪
	Episode fades to black, end credits play.